Archive for January, 2015

Thursday 1/29/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 29, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Well, folks. The day has finally come… It’s the Playboy Morning Show Boobie Bowl! No more tailgating, no more scalping for the cheap seats, no getting up to pee until halftime… it’s here.

We kicked off (see what I did there?) the show today by introducing our two teams: the Patri-tits and the Sea-Cups. Ali and Mariela were painted in the Patri-tits red and blue, while Lauryn and Drew received the Sea-cups trademark green and blue paint. Painted on clothing makes holding calls a lot more fun.

No sporting event in America can begin without the singing of our National Anthem. To take us into the gladiatorial match soon  to begin, we welcomed in Kitty Davis, resident topless opera singer and good friend of the show. Kitty belted out as images of our country’s great majesty dissolved across the screen, the least of which was not the hot girls born and bred here. It’s one of the things America is most proud of, after all.

After the coin toss, the game of Two-Tit Touch began! The only way to stop the play is by placing both hands on the breasts of the girl with the ball, which is like two-hand touch, but actually harder when you think about it.

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From there, we cut to a commercial from the sponsor of our Boobie Bowl Halftime Show, Tom Brady’s Balls. Apparently Tom Brady is an old man who owns a ball emporium/warehouse for all your ball needs. And they’ll fill it up, free o’ charge! Honestly, we’re not sure who that man is, but we’re 85% sure he’s not the real Tom Brady.

We came back to play a game called Sign Language with our models Carolyn and Bobbie Dean painting Reyna’s body on both sides to practice their game-day sign-making. A good sign could lead to TV airtime, which could lead to a modeling deal, which could lead to millions of dollars, while a bad sign is only good for internet ridicule (which, arguably could lead to a modeling contract, which could lead to millions of dollars… it’s a strange time we live in).

The second quarter of our Two-Tit Touch was brought to us by our sideline reporters David and Erika, and it was even more exciting than the first, with both teams trading blows back and forth. No, not that kind of blows. Sorry to mislead you like that.

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Halftime rolled in and our performer this year is none other than the bare-footed, crystal-lovin’, violin virtuoso Jimmy Be Free. With a legal name like that, you know he’s gotta be good, and he didn’t disappoint. It wasn’t your typical, Top-40, lowest-common-denominator pop music fare, and we loved it even more because of that. We got tranced up in this piece, son.

The third quarter started and it was kept fairly quiet, especially with the pace of the game so far. Except for the fact that three deaths resulted when an errant ball was thrown into the stands. You lived as you died: covered in nacho cheese.

Then, we welcomed in our guest, pro footballer for the San Francisco 49ers, Marcus Cromartie. Marcus is a 24-year-old cornerback whose cousins Dominque and Romeo have already made a big splash in the league, as they try to become the Mannings of the DB position. A tall order, but they seem to have the talent (and sheer numbers) to back it up.

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We allowed Marcus to test his ability, but rather than getting a pick six, we wanted to see if he could Pick Sex. Our models came in and tried to conceal a paper football behind their backs, while Marcus guessed where it was. If he was right, that model had to do the action written on the ball. Let’s just say there was some unnecessary roughness, and we loved it.

Finally, as the final seconds of the fourth quarter ticked away, the Patri-tits tried a last-ditch panty field goal to win the game and…. they missed! Not only did they miss, but they kicked it backwards somehow… Either way, the Sea-cups win!!

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To round out our show, Andrea Titty-Picked the Big Game and came up with… the Patriots. Come back Monday to see if her prediction holds water… or if it’s all just a little hot air. (We had to get one more deflate-gate joke in there. Sorry)

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Wednesday 1/28/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Woo-hoo! It’s Morning Show time! Get out of bed and sit right back down on the couch.

We started the show today with some color commentary about the upcoming Playboy Boobie Bowl, from our hot announcers, Marylee and Zoey. It didn’t really provide much insight into the game, but we did get to see them use their mouths, which is what all good commentators do. Although most of them don’t make out. Probably.

After that, we introduced our bartender for the show, the lovely Ms. Heather Storm. Heather showed us how to make some fanciful and herb-irific cocktails that are sure to please even the pickiest drinkers at your football party. Her recipes are way better than the one we were going to use: Kool-Aid Mix, Vodka, Bathtub.

Next, we had our girls make up some slogans you can shout while you watch from your couch (if you’re not afraid of looking like a doofus), in a segment we’re calling Cheer Me Up! Studies show that the players, coaches, and/or referees actually can’t hear you through your TV, but what do those dumb science-folk know about anything anyway? GO (team)!

Following the cheer-sesh, we switched gears from the hard hits of football, to the quick hits of tennis for a segment called Tennis or Pennis. The Australian Open is currently going on, and some of these ladies sound a bit more open than you should be in a public sporting event. We tried to decipher which moans and grunts were taken from a tennis match or a porn scene, in one of our more challenging guessing games. Kinda makes you want to watch tennis with your eyes closed….

We took a short break and then welcomed in Simon Helberg, whom you might recognize from the wildly popular sitcom, “The Big Bang Theory,” who is promoting his new film “We’ll Never Have Paris.” The story is based on the true-to-life events surrounding Simon and his wife’s marriage (and near lack-thereof). Knowing that this is a true story only makes it funnier, and knowing that Simon filmed his “sad handjob” scene in front of strangers and family only makes it cringy-er. Go check it out on iTunes and On-Demand!

Finally, we brought in our ladies to play Love Stories, where they are given a situation and have to take off clothing if they have experienced it. Moving from San Diego to Oakland is a bummer and you should be punished for it. Chloe ended up “winning” by keeping the most clothing on, and as a reward got to strip it all off for the other girls’ enjoyment. Talk about a booby prize.

Tuesday 1/27/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Morning Show goin’ up on a Tuesday! Throw your bras up in the air like you just don’t care!

The show got started today with another healthy dose of Sextra Point, intended to get your mind prepared for the Big Game this Sunday, while your body remains the same. Because you’re not playing in the game, but you will definitely be talking about it.

After that, we went on a blizzard-style Choose Your Own Ass-venture, with the lovely Ruby leading the charge, and Ali and Mariela helping her along the way. When it comes to too much snow, keep warm, cuddle up close, and rub each other’s boobs (if you have boobs, obviously).

Next, we played a new game on the show, called The ‘Uh’ Game. How many times do you say ‘uh’ in a day? If it’s a lot, you’re not gonna be great at this game where you list information without trying to stammer, stutter, or flounder. Our ladies showed that sometimes confidence is key, especially when the consequences lead to nudity. Ya gotta own it!

We took a short break and then welcomed in Rya Kihlstedt and William Mapother from the new horror/thriller based-on-a-true-story creep-fest, “The Atticus Institute.” The story centers around a paranormal research institute where things start to go awry, and then the government steps in and things get even worse. Typical. Go check it out On-Demand and on iTunes!

Finally, we played a game based on this movie about psychics and possession called Pin-Up Possession. Our sexy pin-up models came in and gave us their best devil-stretch, scary voice, and answered a few questions about when they noticed they had their special powers. Although in outfits like those, it’s really not that hard to read a guy’s mind.

Monday 1/26/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 26, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Howdy, ya’ll, pull up an interweb and let me spin ye a yarn ’bout this here Playboy Morning Show…

The show began today with a press conference with our show’s host Dan, to discuss the recent controversy surrounding some blow up dolls that were deflated. Dan assured the reporters that there was no foul play going on, and neither was there foreplay. Both would have been pointless.

Next, we got into our first Sextra Point of the week, wherein our hot girls give you the definition of a football term and then act it out. It’s the only sure-fire way that you won’t make a fool out of yourself for not knowing what’s going on when the Big Game finally happens. You’re still free to make a fool of yourself by getting blackout drunk, though.

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We then welcomed in Scott Zabielski, finalist in Doritos’ “Crash the Super Bowl” contest. We aired his commercial and then brought him in to discuss what he thinks his chances are, and what he plans on doing with the million dollars if/when he wins. His answer was a bit more practical than we expected from someone who produces and directs episodes of “Tosh.0”.

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While Scott was in studio, we brought in three of our models to show of their own Doritos commercials, and tell us what inspired them. After we watched all three, Scott went with the salacious one Juliet brought in, saying he couldn’t see a reason the good folks at Doritos wouldn’t want it representing their brand. We’re inclined to agree.

We took a short break and came back with another Sextra Point, which looked strikingly similar to the first Sextra Point. Maybe football is harder than we thought.

Then, we brought in Tony Lucca, singer/songwriter, former Mouse-keteer, contestant on “The Voice,” you name it, he’s sung it. His new album, “Tony Lucca” is out tomorrow, so do yourself a favor and check it out! Tony talked about the craziness of fans and the time he almost got 24-hour Disney security detail protecting him. You don’t mess with the mouse.

To round out the show, we played some Your Song Tit-les with Tony, based on musicians he’s listed as his major influences. Our girls silently acted out the titles, leaving Tony to guess, which he actually did very well at. Sometimes silence can be music to our ears.

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Thursday 1/22/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 22, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

It’s Thursday, and we had a jam-packed, crazy awesome show for you today! Let’s have a little peek…

The show began with a quick look at some pictures Dan took on the beach, a la Kim Kardashian. And don’t worry, his fur bikini top was humanely made, because it was mostly likely made from Dan himself.

We needed to get that image out of our heads, luckily we had our super hot models in to give us Six Seconds of Sexy, in honor of all the Vine superstars out there, making videos just long enough for our collective attention spans. Even if it only takes six seconds to recognize our girls’ beauty… we really wish we had a couple more.012215_07012215_06

Next, we welcomed in popular Viner and star of the new FOX show “Backstrom,” Page Kennedy. Page talked about being on a heavily anticipated new cop/comedy hybrid show, and also about that time he had a three-way with a set of twins at the Playboy Mansion. Casual.

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Page helped us play our next game, Know It or Show It! Our girls did their best to answer trivia questions, and lost clothes if they couldn’t come up with the answers. They did pretty well at first, but it didn’t take long until all the clothes were off their bodies and on the floor. They look better on the floor anyway, don’t you think?012215_08

After a quick break, we came back to welcome in the band Lotus Crush, who are promoting their new album, “Rabbit Hole.” The guys gave us a world premiere live performance of their new song “Blood in the Water,” and then talked about their journey together as a band. Not to be confused with the band Journey.

Since their lead singer was a contestant on “The Voice,” we decided it was only right to play a quick round of The Fuck-Me Voice! Our ladies came in and gave their best sultry seduction, while everyone else’s backs were turned. In the end, they cast their votes for Evey, and dedicated their next performance of “Hearts and Minds” to her. She asked if this makes her a groupie now, and we didn’t really know how to answer that… Maybe.

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Wednesday 1/21/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 21, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Howdy out there, all you bunny enthusiasts! For a website on actual rabbits, look elsewhere. Sorry for the confusion.

The show began today with a new segment called Boobs and Asses, where two of our aspiring students in the school of common sense heard some stories from dumb asses in the real world and were tested on the correct answers. For clarification: the moon is not a planet.

Next, we ran through a Sexperiment, where we tested if a man’s attention span is actually improved when you include boobs into the equation. This was all brought about by the British tabloid The Sun taking out their page 3 girl, a storied tradition, due to complaints from “activists.” Based on our research with our writer Dave, they should put it back in. At least, if they want people to actually retain the information.

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We took a short break and then came back to honor our president’s State of the Union Address by having Cody read one of Abraham Lincoln’s famous “SOTU” speeches, but while also munching on a jalapeno pepper. Hot girls, hot peppers, and hot-button issues. What more could you ask for?

Then, we brought in the stars of a new film called “Americons,” Matt Funke, Beau Martin Williams, and Brian Thomas Smith. Matt and Beau also wrote the film and financed it themselves, doing 12 days of shooting in 5 different cities. It sounds like quite an undertaking and it looks like it turned out great, so be sure to check it out January 23rd.

While the guys were in studio, we wanted to pit them against our models in a special “Ameri-CANS vs. Ameri-CONS” version of Playboy Feud. The men swept the rounds, but were good sports about it and didn’t gloat too much. A few high-fives aren’t excessive, right?

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Tuesday 1/20/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 20, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

It’s the Playboy Morning Show, brought to you today by the letters T and A.

We started things off today by checking out a letter that we found on the Titanic and is now up for auction. Although, we never said if it was from the ship or the James Cameron movie, so technically it’s YOUR fault if you bid on it.

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Next, we checked out some pictures of dudes from Instagram and asked our models to give them advice on #HowNotToDieAlone. Good advice for any gentleman setting sails on the tumultuous seas of dating life, but mostly just for these pathetic losers. If you want our girls to give YOU advice, follow us on Instagram and tag a picture with #hownottodiealone. You might just get the attention you so crave.

After that, court was in session… Cummins Court, to be exact. With judge Daniel B. Cummins presiding, we heard the case of the destroyed dress between Kat and new girl Marylee. Judge Dan, with swift and forceful reckoning, ruled in favor of Kat, and sentenced Marylee to five hard spanks to the hindquarters, which is the equivalent of like, 6 months in jail or something. The post-trial interviews shed some light on the girls’ states of mind, and the state of Marylee’s ass.

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We took a short break and then welcomed in funnyman and friend of the show, Jo Koy. Jo told us how excited he is for the Super Bowl (exactly 16,800 dollars worth of tickets excited), and it seems like he’s doing pretty good for himself, despite owning so many hoodies. Jo stuck around to play our final game with the girls, What Happens Next? We saw some old-school Playmate videos that never fail to disappoint and tried to guess what would happen next in the scene. It’s not so easily done, as demonstrated by everyone’s poor guesses, and it just goes to show you that sometimes you can’t judge a crazy movie from the 90’s simply by its content. We’re not really sure what that means, either.

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Monday 1/19/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 19, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Guess what! Morning Show butt.

We began the festivities today by checking out the first of our Topless Movie Trailer Reviews for Oscar season. Today’s film was appropriately “Selma,” the Martin Luther King biopic. While the ladies weren’t fans of the trailer for the movie, we here at the Morning Show are big fans of the Reverend Doctor himself. We agree that all titties are created equal.

We had a pair of new models on the show today, and Zoey took us through a sexy story from her life and Lauryn and Kaia reenacted it for our Kisstory segment. Did you know you can have sex while hooked up to a dialysis machine? We didn’t either. It should be called hooked up hooking up. Maybe.

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Next, we talked to Graham Hughes, a man who has visited all 201 countries on planet Earth… without using  an airplane! He made the Guinness Book of World Records and a lot of friends along the way. We should send someone around the world and have them sleep with someone in each country… Now, that’s a reality show waiting to happen.

In Graham’s honor, we played a rousing game of Two Girls, One Map. We gave them trivia and asked them to fill in the name of a state, after finding in on the map. It’s a double dose of misunderstandings and oh-so fun to watch.

After a short break, we looked back at Andrea’s Titty Picks from last week, and she went 2/2! The Super Bowl is next, so get your betting chips ready…

Then, we welcomed in Jody “Babydol” Gibson, famous ex-Hollywood madame, whose escort clientele featured the biggest names in show business back in the ’90’s. She recently did a three-year stint in a maximum security prison, and let us just say, it sounds nothing like “Orange is the New Black.” Although some people definitely had crazy eyes.

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To close out the show, we took another swing at T&A Pyramodel, with Lauryn making it past the first round and being able to play with Jody. She got them all right again, earning a spot in the Wiener’s Circle (and the pyramid of hot dogs). Lucky her!

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Thursday 1/15/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

It’s Thursday, which is close enough to the weekend for us to start partying and not stop until next Thursday. That’s what anthropologists call “the circle of life”.

We started this fabulous show by wishing our fondest of Happy Birthdays to the one, the only… Andrea Lowell. That’s right, it’s 29 (again) for our host with the most, and we can’t thank her enough for simply being born. The world is better for it, and we salute you, Andrea!

In honor of the birthday festivities, throughout the show we were surprising Andrea left and right, beginning with a very special birthday wub-wub from each of our gorgeous models. Usually Andrea is the giver in this scenario, but today she can have the day off and enjoy the sights and sounds herself, four times over.

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Next, we talked to Mr. Skin on the phone and checked out his Mr. Skin minute, featuring nudity and bootie-ty (we just made that word up) from the world of TV and film. We even got to see Dan’s “Brian Williams watching his daughter get her ass eaten out on “Girls”” face. It did not disappoint.

After that, it was another birthday surprise for Andrea, this time around getting some gifts from Dan and the models. Dan got her a vaguely spiritual medallion of some sort, and the girls gave her a basket packed to the brim with AA batteries. Those’ll keep those sex toys running til the apocalypse. Hell, they might even cause the apocalypse at this rate.

We then checked out a website that we first heard about on the TV show “Shark Tank,” that the owners turned down 30 MILLION DOLLARS to keep. They must be pretty confident in their idea, which is a dating site called CoffeeMeetsBagel.com that uses your Facebook to give you one new match a day. Or something like that. We’re still caught up in the fact that they turned down 30 MILLION DOLLARS. But Dan thought to himself, if he can come up with an idea that is 1/30 as good, he’ll make a million bucks. So we saw some potential niche dating sites in a segment we’re calling Online Masterdating. If you like hot dogs and butt sex, you’ll definitely want to sign up for HotDogMeetsBuns.com.

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We took a short break and then came back to Titty Pick the Conference Championship football games coming up on Sunday. We can’t wait for the second-to-last football Sunday of the year, and Andrea has picked the Seahawks and Patriots to make it to big game in February. Only time will tell if she is right…

As we had been teasing throughout the show, our shower is primed and ready to go for a Playboy Tit-torial: Shower Edition. Now, showering is something that most people don’t think about needing instruction on, but how can you be positive you’re doing it right? We don’t know. But we do know that we like to watch women in the shower, so that’s what we did. If you learned something in the process, good for you.

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For Andrea’s final two birthday surprises, we played a montage of all her beautiful moments from past shows and what beautiful moments they were. The other surprise ended up being Ronnie Orr, the owner of the Hambourghini food truck, who made Andrea a special veggie/mushroom burger that smelled great. Trust us. Unless you have one of those 3-D smelling TV’s. Then you already know.

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Finally, we played a brand-new game on the show called T&A Pyramodel, where girls had to get their teammates to guess the category using clues that would come from that category. Could a carrot be in “Things You Put Up Your Butt”? One model sure thought so, and she’s not technically wrong. The losing team had to give the winners a lap dance, and that means we all win.

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Wednesday 1/14/15

Posted in Uncategorized on January 14, 2015 by Playboy Morning Show

Aloha from sunny Mini Mansion! We mean “aloha” like hello, not goodbye. Man, that’d be confusing.

We started things off today with a little help for our friends over at Best Buy. It turns out that the internet and online shopping are being rather cruel to their profit margins and they need some fresh ideas. Well, you know us. When we see a hole, we fill that hole…. with hot chicks. We debuted some hotter outfits that Best Buy employees could wear as they sell their wares, and it just may be the right kind of medicine to keep that buzzing hub of overpriced electronics going for decades (or centuries) to come. Radio Shack is beyond saving, though.

Next, we wanted to welcome our new host Dan to our show, now that he’s officially the permanent host… by publicly mocking him. That’s right, it’s everyone’s favorite comment-section-inspired game, Constructive Criticism. We heard meaner and meaner criticisms of Dan from anonymous online jerks and tried to soften the blow a bit by having naked girls deliver the words. It works just as well for serving court documents.

To take us into the break, we tried our best to get through the hump day with Krystin’s help, as she and new girl Jackie acted out her favorite way to hump: doggy style. Hair pulling and choking is optional, of course.

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We came back to play some Wheel of Fantasy, and boy was it fantastic. We saw a titty massage, sexy yoga, and even some trampoline bounce. We’re having trouble separating reality from fantasy these days, and this segment is definitely to blame.

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Then, we talked on the phone with the legendary John Waters, whose new book “Carsick” is out now. The book chronicles John’s journey from Baltimore to San Francisco, but he only got there by hitchhiking. Not bad for a 66-year-old. John’s also hosting “Groundbreakers” right here on PlayboyTV, where you can see some classic porn movies from the bygone era. You won’t want to miss it!

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To close out the show, and in honor of John’s love of all things perv-y, we played Name That Alleged Perv! Our girls helped break down the arrest stories and pin them to the (alleged) perv’s mugshot. This game proves time and time again that girls are much better at recognizing pervs than men. Maybe they have more practice or something.