Thursday 1/29/15

Well, folks. The day has finally come… It’s the Playboy Morning Show Boobie Bowl! No more tailgating, no more scalping for the cheap seats, no getting up to pee until halftime… it’s here.

We kicked off (see what I did there?) the show today by introducing our two teams: the Patri-tits and the Sea-Cups. Ali and Mariela were painted in the Patri-tits red and blue, while Lauryn and Drew received the Sea-cups trademark green and blue paint. Painted on clothing makes holding calls a lot more fun.

No sporting event in America can begin without the singing of our National Anthem. To take us into the gladiatorial match soon  to begin, we welcomed in Kitty Davis, resident topless opera singer and good friend of the show. Kitty belted out as images of our country’s great majesty dissolved across the screen, the least of which was not the hot girls born and bred here. It’s one of the things America is most proud of, after all.

After the coin toss, the game of Two-Tit Touch began! The only way to stop the play is by placing both hands on the breasts of the girl with the ball, which is like two-hand touch, but actually harder when you think about it.

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From there, we cut to a commercial from the sponsor of our Boobie Bowl Halftime Show, Tom Brady’s Balls. Apparently Tom Brady is an old man who owns a ball emporium/warehouse for all your ball needs. And they’ll fill it up, free o’ charge! Honestly, we’re not sure who that man is, but we’re 85% sure he’s not the real Tom Brady.

We came back to play a game called Sign Language with our models Carolyn and Bobbie Dean painting Reyna’s body on both sides to practice their game-day sign-making. A good sign could lead to TV airtime, which could lead to a modeling deal, which could lead to millions of dollars, while a bad sign is only good for internet ridicule (which, arguably could lead to a modeling contract, which could lead to millions of dollars… it’s a strange time we live in).

The second quarter of our Two-Tit Touch was brought to us by our sideline reporters David and Erika, and it was even more exciting than the first, with both teams trading blows back and forth. No, not that kind of blows. Sorry to mislead you like that.

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Halftime rolled in and our performer this year is none other than the bare-footed, crystal-lovin’, violin virtuoso Jimmy Be Free. With a legal name like that, you know he’s gotta be good, and he didn’t disappoint. It wasn’t your typical, Top-40, lowest-common-denominator pop music fare, and we loved it even more because of that. We got tranced up in this piece, son.

The third quarter started and it was kept fairly quiet, especially with the pace of the game so far. Except for the fact that three deaths resulted when an errant ball was thrown into the stands. You lived as you died: covered in nacho cheese.

Then, we welcomed in our guest, pro footballer for the San Francisco 49ers, Marcus Cromartie. Marcus is a 24-year-old cornerback whose cousins Dominque and Romeo have already made a big splash in the league, as they try to become the Mannings of the DB position. A tall order, but they seem to have the talent (and sheer numbers) to back it up.

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We allowed Marcus to test his ability, but rather than getting a pick six, we wanted to see if he could Pick Sex. Our models came in and tried to conceal a paper football behind their backs, while Marcus guessed where it was. If he was right, that model had to do the action written on the ball. Let’s just say there was some unnecessary roughness, and we loved it.

Finally, as the final seconds of the fourth quarter ticked away, the Patri-tits tried a last-ditch panty field goal to win the game and…. they missed! Not only did they miss, but they kicked it backwards somehow… Either way, the Sea-cups win!!

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To round out our show, Andrea Titty-Picked the Big Game and came up with… the Patriots. Come back Monday to see if her prediction holds water… or if it’s all just a little hot air. (We had to get one more deflate-gate joke in there. Sorry)

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